when life gives you lemons......make lemonade.

My mom is dead. I miss her terribly and think about what it would be like if she were here for just one day to meet my kids.  I do believe she is always with me, but some days it just down right sucks that she's gone.

I'm just not spiritual enough to be eternally okay with not seeing her, not hearing her, not being able to call her after my kids go to bed. 

I have so many questions. The one thing I want to ask her is , "Okay mom, tell me the truth, was I as a big of a pain in the ass as emma is?"

I do think I know her answer. "Yes, Stacie, you were."

 I was alone last week. My husband was on a business trip and I thought about my mom a lot. I thought about how she did it as a single mom, and how hard it must have been. I knew it was hard, even as a little girl I would sometimes see the sadness in her eyes, how they would tear up when she would drive us home from school.  

She was always there, she was always the most non judgmental, loving, sarcastic person I knew. She was it. She was my mom. 

I know I am like that for my kids, even though I haven't done anything perfectly. I didn't learn from  perfect examples. Who does? I guess that's the point.

 I had this memory I wanted to share. I think this may  be the shittiest entry I've done because it's not that funny. I guess I'll just show it.

I grew up with a poster in my kitchen I will never forget. It was cobalt blue,

covered with bright yellow lemons that looked like they were cascading down a hill. At the bottom it said, ”When life Gives you Lemons, Make Lemonade.”

My mom would be sipping vodka tonic with lime, stirring the spaghetti sauce, and yelling up the stairs, telling my brother to turn the fucking music down, (Motley Crue).  Every time she sipped her drink, her lips would purse up against the glass. The ice would make that clinking sound, like pebbles tapping a glass.

With each swallow, her shoulders seemed a little softer, and the crease in her brow loosened.

She’d make a funny face with dripping spoon in hand, kicking her back leg up, and look at me and say, “Stac, when life gives you lemons! Make Lemonade!”

 “ yeah, okay nut ball” I would think to my teenage self, whatever that means.

I didn’t really know what it meant, except that I did think, lemons make lemonade, big deal.

Okay, make the most out of life, isn’t that what we all naturally do?

When Life Gives you Lemons, make Lemonade.

At that time I was 14 years old . I had no idea the lemons that would be handed to me. I had no idea how I was going to make my lemonade, especially with out my mom.

Across the kitchen there was a cutting board counter. It was a worn piece of wood with lots of knife marks and it smelled like garlic.

There was a glass case in the corner that sat there quietly. A Marlboro light 100 was enclosed in it, and the words…

“ In Case of Emergency Break Glass” were painted in red across the case.

One night I looked at the poster and looked back at the Glass enclosed cigarette.

It was a mixed message. Live life to the fullest but stuff your emotions with a cigarette and maybe a drink. 

My young mind understood that things weren't one way or the other. Things were messy and confusing and didn't make sense. contradiction wasn't just a part of life , it was the core of life.

“Mom, when life doesn’t give you  any good lemons, do you smoke that cigarette?”

My mom said, “ yep, that’s exactly what you do.”