2 year olds, toilets, temper tantrums and sobriety don't mix

Im not sure wether to laugh or cry.
I won't lie- I've been crying a lot this week.
I did run out of my Lexapro for a couple of days,
was that why?
Jaxson did ruin my comforter with lip gloss stains.
That must me why.
Oh, and he also flushed the plastic black and white dog and blond haired little people down the toilet.
The plumber fixed it, after almost dismantling the toilet to get them out.
Shortly after the plumber left, there went the dog and the little people again.
Maybe that's why.
Oh! I know, Jaxson has decided 5am is a conveniant time to start EVERYDAY.
That must be why.
I realize the toilet doesn't matter, my comforter doesn't matter.... sleep issues are usually temporary.
Bullshit. But.......
These are the things I am trying to tell myself.
Truly, it is the hope that things will change tomorrow, or that bed time is just an hour away. These are that get me through the days when I WISH I could give my kids up for adoption.
Surely I would be devastated. Right?
Aren't the terrible two's just a fleeting phase?
Nothing is fucking fleeting about it these days.

I walked in to Kroger on Friday with puffy eyes, and a pity pot stuck on my butt.
I was tired, crabby, hungry, and stressed.
I had just dropped Jaxson off at pre-school for that long 3 hour interval of time.
He had a 15 minute temper tantrum that lasted the drive to school and the walk into his classroon.
I was so exhausted from the 5 am wake up that I almost left him kicking and screaming on the wet side walk.

I love you, I hate you, you're annoying, You're my everything, I hate it when you do that, I love you, I hate you, you're the cutest thing I've ever seen, I need a picture of that, I might choke you right now..... This is what it feels like to be a parent.

I have been sober for almost 12 years.
I stared at that bottle of red wine at Kroger on Friday.
I was tempted. I could sneak it, no one would know.
It looked so warm and smooth- it would be like velvet wrapping around my heart, like silky potion slipping down my throat.
Ah, that bottle of wine looked good.
STOP!!!! alarms started ringing in my head.
Im sober . Im sober. I can't do that. I don't want to drink.
I just want some relief from how I feel.

Then I went to my friend Anna's house and her two year old was crying.
I already felt better.
My friends Hollie and Tia came over with their kids.
We watched our 6 kids dance and sing to Justin Beiber and laughed at how free they were.
We sat together and cried a little about our weeks.
Looking into Hollie's teary eyes made my eyes teary but it made my heart less heavy.

We are all trudging the road.
We all have the same thoughts.

I felt better.
We all felt better.
Because we just can't do this thing alone.

Google it

Christmas break was like a roller coaster, well, honestly it was a shit storm.
In short, it was too long.
And we we celebrate Hannukah, not Christmas.

After many hours/days of rain, I wanted to scream, yell and break small objects with large hammers.
So, I yelled at my kids too much, and felt guilty.

For about a week, I was just really down in the dumps.
I pretended like I was doing fine.
I didn't want to be a grump around the holidays, but I was on the inside.
I was growling and grumping and hating most people in crowded parking lots and stores.
I knew I was creating my own reality and I couldn't seem to change it.
I felt like pig pen with that smelly, gloomy cloud lingering above my head.
I still exercised and did stuff with the kids and my husband.
I just felt like a crunchy chip, about to break at any point.

When I feel awful, I have a tendency to fuel it like a fire.
Add another match, another newspaper page, another match, and see how big the flames can get.
It's a sadistic game.
The flames start taking over my mind, and soon enough it's a fire of negativity.

It all started with Google.
I google things that I feel, or predict I will be feeling in the future.
And all things that may happen as a result of feelings I may feel in the near future of which are usually very unrealistic.
I had a terrible cough, so I started to google Lung cancer symptoms. That made for a great wednesday.
Then I googled, unbearable 4 year old.
Then I googled, unbearable siblings that are also my children. That was during, and prior to hair pulling and fighting over meaningless, stupid toys that neither of them ever play with.
The googling continued..... Benji the movie playing in the background and an occasional blood curdling meow from the kitten being chocked by Jaxson.
Why do husbands still get to do whatever they want?
Can a four year old truly manipulate?
Is it normal for a 2 1/2 year old boy to be violent?
How many brain cells do you lose after pregnancy?
And now for the most important google- DO THEY EVER COME BACK????

Am I disillusioned, or is it really maddening to spend millions of hours with toddlers?
I want milk, I want to paint my face with water colors and wear dumb princess outfits, I want to stick stuffed animals and paper clips down the toilet. I want to curl up in the fireplace and smear soot all over my face, I want to throw my food, I want to spill my milk for the fucking 20th time. I want to ask for something to eat and not eat it.
Is this supposed to be joyous? It's not.

In my rut throughout the week, I was on and off the pity pot.
I went to my friend Lori's house and she had a poem on her wall that really struck me.
It stopped me in my tracks.
It changed my perception.
It opened my heart again.

Really, I hate to admit it but I was regretting my choice to me a mom.
I was feeling depressed and tired of all the tedious, thankless tasks, all of the service, the unending service it is to be a mom.

Then I read this:


How to Really Love a Child *

Be there.

Say yes as often as possible.

Let them bang on pots and pans.

If they’re crabby, put them in water.

If they’re unlovable, love yourself.

Realize how important it is to be a child.

Go to a movie theater in your pajamas.

Read books out loud with joy.

Invent pleasures together.

Remember how really small they are.

Giggle a lot.

Surprise them.

Say no when necessary.

Teach feelings.

Heal your own inner child.

Learn about parenting.

Hug trees together.

Make loving safe.

Bake a cake and eat it with no hands.

Go find elephants and kiss them.

Plan to build a rocket ship.

Imagine yourself magic.

Make lots of forts with blankets.

Let your angel fly.

Reveal your own dreams.

Search out the positive.

Keep the gleam in your eye.

Encourage silly.

Plant licorice in your garden.

Open up.

Stop yelling.

Express your love.

A lot.

Speak kindly.

Paint their tennis shoes.

Handle with caring.

*Copyrighted to SARK