Balloons, so sweet, so colorful, and so cheerful. Oh, and those convenient long ribbons for strings that cut my daughter’s circulation off her little wrist every time.
Watching them float away in the sky for lost children, for celebrations, for birthdays, graduations, open houses. The list goes on and on. Those goddamn balloons symbolize so many things in life.
I cannot get away from them. They fly over banners at car lots, they float on random street corners for garage sales, they are at every birthday party (except mine),any party, baby showers, grocery stores, and mailboxes, in songs. Will it ever end?
I want to take a guerilla size safety pin and pop every single last one. Oh, and one day I will. Mark my words. When my kids are older, and less likely to be scarred for life, I will fill my kitchen with 200 balloons and pop every single last one with a vengeance and laugh. I like the number 200, it's enough for them to understand that I'm not fucking around.
With each pleasant POP, I will say, “This is for ruining the grant park festival!” POP. “This is for the 20 minute car ride of hysterical crying on 4th of July, 2010!” POP. “This is for slipping out of my daughter’s hand in moving traffic.” POP.
“This is for being at every fucking grocery check out aisle with a picture of Dora, or spider man on your butt.” Do you really have to do that shit??????? I was just about to get out of Publix unscathed, you bastards.
We went to a birthday party yesterday. My kids played with the bundles of balloons almost the entire party.
If they weren’t scratching each other’s eyeballs out for a bundle, they were running around in circles with them. It was fine for them to fight amongst themselves, but when other kids got involved it was just embarrassing. “ You need to share, you need to take turns,” “It’s not your birthday today.” All of those words, in one ear and out the other. Balloons, always the priority.
The party came to an end. Both my kids left with yellow frosting stained faces, one shitty diaper, ( I had avoided for almost an hour), and farwell party bags in hand, (to fight over later). They each got a balloon to go!
Fucking fantastic.
The way home from the party was the highlight of the morning.
My 2 year old was crying because his balloon wouldn’t stay still. WTF? I can’t explain the properties of helium to him. (or was it the shitty diaper?) That had to wait for home.
Emma just kept wining that the string was too tight around her wrist, “mommy it’s too tight, and it’s tooooo tiiiggghht.”
I blasted the radio. Now it’s Madonna, “Like a Virgin” and screaming with whining. All I could see in my rear view mirror were balloons.
“You mother fuckers,” I grumbled under my breath.
“You’re DEAD when we get home.”
My husband & in-laws fuel the balloon craze in our house...for no occasion, just because. UGHHHHH!!!! I find such joy in popping the fuckers during nap time and creating the story upon their awakening. We once had the joy of Giants balloon (who appeared after the pennant win--thanks to said husband) sticking around til Christmas because it escaped from it's string and decided to float around our 12ft ceilings for a few months. May they all fly away to heaven where "Nannie" takes care of them, at least until all 3 of my boys are out of preschool!
ReplyDeletethey don't stop doing damage when they leave. The birds get caught in them, they float in the giant trash island. There is never enough you can do to destroy them.
ReplyDeletewow. I see what happens when I try to follow?
ReplyDeletei loathe balloons, too! they are also the number one cause of choking death in children. i do not allow them in my house and pop those little bastards every chance i get. trader joe's used to give them out to kids and several parents flipped out when they stopped. i, on the other hand, started going there a lot more often.
ReplyDeleteoh no!!!! and we thought the balloons were a hit!! but i was seriously disconnected from monitoring the children's behavior that morning. if it makes you feel any better (and it probably doesn't!), but Ruby said her favorite part of her party was playing with Emma. can't wait for the next blog post. you've got me completely cracking up over here.
ReplyDelete1. I am allergic to latex. severely allergic so my kids can only ever get the fancy helium ones...
ReplyDelete2. Balloons also end up in oceans and beaches and animals eat them and die
3. I once photographed the most amazing balloons twister, you know the little doggy, flower, dragon...but AMAZING......I let the kids keep them, in their room, I couldn't go in there for 2 weeks!