Change Changes You

I've been thinking a lot about change.

How my kids have changed me , how sobriety has changed me, how my heart and mind have changed.
How my geography has changed, how my friends have changed, how my body has changed. (code for:I used to have better boobs and stomach).

Maybe it's because I just had a birthday, and I have one more year till 40.
Maybe it's because living life changes you.
Or maybe living life is just full of changes.

Divorce changed me as a kid
Marriage changed me as an adult.
Certainly, my children have changed me forever.

If I think about how much bigger my heart has gotten since having my children, I cry.
Not just tears of joy.
Tears of fear, tears of sadness and just plain tears.

Change is inevitable.
Change is good.
Change has blindsided me.
No control.
I guess I illude myself, thinking I have some control of the chaos in a house with small kids.
There's a lot of laughing and crying.
That changes from hour to hour.
Certainly, I can't control that.

I already tried to control Emma, it was a pointless exercise.
Now, I just give her boundaries.
She wears one pink cowboy boot and one brown cowboy boot.
Scratch that, correction from emma, they are cowGIRL boots.
She is who she is.
It's hard to look in the mirror.

I have had to grow up a lot.
I'm 39 and I still have many childish moments.
Especially, when my I have my own tantrum, not my 2 year old.

Emma and Jaxson change all the time.
They change their minds, their feelings and their likes/dislikes.
Emma sleeps one night and wets the bed the next.
Jaxson wakes up in a bad mood on Sundays.
No rhyme or reason.

I don't want to analyze it, I just want to be here with them now.

Thursday, I hated being a mom. I wanted to leave them in the living room kicking and screaming and go for a long walk off a short pier.

Saturday, I loved being a mom. I sat and laughed with my son, he kissed and climbed all over me. He got snot all over my face and hummus from his snack in my hair, and I didn't care.

Last week, my husband and I bickered one day, I took it personally.
I cursed him in my mind.
Friday, he couldn't find the car keys.
He cursed me in his mind.
Saturday, all was forgotten, we laughed, we endured Emma's melt down together in the car and rolled our eyes (partly with love).

Ups and downns.
I know for sure that there are many.
If my perception would change, perhaps the downs could be more up.

The changes keep happening.
Since I married Matt and birthed these 2 multi- faceted monkeys, one thing hasn't changed....
I have never had so much to lose.

I hope that doesn't change.