2 year olds, toilets, temper tantrums and sobriety don't mix

Im not sure wether to laugh or cry.
I won't lie- I've been crying a lot this week.
I did run out of my Lexapro for a couple of days,
was that why?
Jaxson did ruin my comforter with lip gloss stains.
That must me why.
Oh, and he also flushed the plastic black and white dog and blond haired little people down the toilet.
The plumber fixed it, after almost dismantling the toilet to get them out.
Shortly after the plumber left, there went the dog and the little people again.
Maybe that's why.
Oh! I know, Jaxson has decided 5am is a conveniant time to start EVERYDAY.
That must be why.
I realize the toilet doesn't matter, my comforter doesn't matter.... sleep issues are usually temporary.
Bullshit. But.......
These are the things I am trying to tell myself.
Truly, it is the hope that things will change tomorrow, or that bed time is just an hour away. These are that get me through the days when I WISH I could give my kids up for adoption.
Surely I would be devastated. Right?
Aren't the terrible two's just a fleeting phase?
Nothing is fucking fleeting about it these days.

I walked in to Kroger on Friday with puffy eyes, and a pity pot stuck on my butt.
I was tired, crabby, hungry, and stressed.
I had just dropped Jaxson off at pre-school for that long 3 hour interval of time.
He had a 15 minute temper tantrum that lasted the drive to school and the walk into his classroon.
I was so exhausted from the 5 am wake up that I almost left him kicking and screaming on the wet side walk.

I love you, I hate you, you're annoying, You're my everything, I hate it when you do that, I love you, I hate you, you're the cutest thing I've ever seen, I need a picture of that, I might choke you right now..... This is what it feels like to be a parent.

I have been sober for almost 12 years.
I stared at that bottle of red wine at Kroger on Friday.
I was tempted. I could sneak it, no one would know.
It looked so warm and smooth- it would be like velvet wrapping around my heart, like silky potion slipping down my throat.
Ah, that bottle of wine looked good.
STOP!!!! alarms started ringing in my head.
Im sober . Im sober. I can't do that. I don't want to drink.
I just want some relief from how I feel.

Then I went to my friend Anna's house and her two year old was crying.
I already felt better.
My friends Hollie and Tia came over with their kids.
We watched our 6 kids dance and sing to Justin Beiber and laughed at how free they were.
We sat together and cried a little about our weeks.
Looking into Hollie's teary eyes made my eyes teary but it made my heart less heavy.

We are all trudging the road.
We all have the same thoughts.

I felt better.
We all felt better.
Because we just can't do this thing alone.