Occasionally, I enviously spy on my married, yet childless neighbors across the street .
They look so rested and happy.
The husband skips and hums while he brings his garbage cans to the curb.
The wife looks unencumbered and her hair is kempt.
Their porch is pristine.
I think it shines.
Their front door knob is free of Popsicle slime and there are no smeared boogers on their doors/windows.
Their fresh shiny cars glide to and from the clean, toy- free driveway.
No Dora or Bob the Builder stickers on the windows, no emergency diapers in the trunk, and definitely no moldy cheese sticks under their seats.
They plant flowers together and rake leaves in between sips of hot coffee.
He mows the lawn in a brimmed hat, enjoying each lap.
She pulls weeds while listening to her finger print free i-pod.
They leisurely come and go as they please.
No one is crying , no blood curdling screams, or jumping from couch to chair to coffee table.
No trips to the E.R.
No small boys peeing off their porch, aiming for an ant pile.
No boy and girl jumping on the hood of their car having the time of their lives.
I watch them them from my side-walk chalk stained porch, as I sweep bread crusts and smashed gold fish into the bushes.
Another compost of snacks for the feral cats.
Our porch is crowded with bikes, training wheels, muddy little shoes, and old sponge bob rain boots.
"Good morning," I shout in a friendly voice, sweeping my porch with milk stains on my boobs.
They smile and wave at me as if they are saying- "have a good day you fucking sucker!"
I rarely think about what I used to do before I had kids.
That life is one huge, lost chunk of time.
A chunk of time that seems foreign now......forgotten.
I have felt love, hate, shame, exhaustion, failure, and joy all in one day.
Summer is approaching.
The time when people smile and ask,
" So! Do you have plans for the summer?"
"Yes! We do have plans for summer!" I say. "Big fucking plans."
I'll make lots of plans for the day.... it's just a matter of getting through the 500 million things that will ruin those plans and possibly postpone them for hours, maybe even days.
My 5 year old will piss his pants and I'll step on my 400th Lego and yell at him.
Then, I'll feel bad for yelling.
Then he'll cry and tell me he doesn't like me.
Then I'll tell him I don't like him either.
Then we'll have to leave the house because of the incessant sibling bickering and hitting.
I'll have to change the baby and feed him before we leave, and the other two will fight over who gets to hold him.
Jaxson will pour out another box of the smallest, most teeniest, teeny tiny, miniature Legos ever, because he doesn't like me.
Then Emma will decide she's thirsty. She MUST drink water out of her fancy pink, plastic target martini glass, which will spill all over the floor. She will cry and say "why do I always spill EVERYTHING????"
We'll get in the car and Jaxson will refuse any help with his seat belt and cry for 40 minutes while he tries to snap it in the latch.
Then on our way to the pool, I will threaten them 3 times with no T.V. and keep telling them to stop bashing the car ceiling with pool noodles.
They will talk about vaginas a penises tasting like chicken and the baby will coo and babble in the background .
My phone will ring and I'll want to talk to my sister but all the crazy noise from the back seat will cause me to tell her I have to call her back.
The animals are out of their cages I will say.
Then, my son will throw a banana peel out the window (to fit my description), and my daughter will tattle on him.
I'll give him the: " We do not litter speech," and he will completely tune me out.
Then, Emma will drop her Lalaloopsy doll on the floor and cry because it's lost forever and it was her favorite.
The baby will fall asleep and Jaxson will start playing with army men on his head.
Ill scream, "knock it off! Leave the baby alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as we pull into the pool and someone I barely know will see me acting like a maniac.
So yes! does that answer your stupid question?- we have BIG plans for summer.
And I personally have big plans to make our porch look pristine.
Big fucking plans.
*BTW, the pool is 1 mile away.
You captured it Stacie...Mother of three...I am sure every day is crazytown. But...your kids are freaking lucky to have you...you are a great Mom. :) Great read...hope to read more from you.
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