From Birth to Postpartum to Evolutionary Chaos

He was born September 12, 2013 at 10:58 pm.

River Declan Davis-9 lbs 9 oz. (no, I did not have a c- section)
 Or, as Jaxson calls him, "Riber"

 We are officially a family of 5.

Airplane rides, restaurant trips and holidays including presents have profoundly changed.
Not to mention, my husband's acute awareness of how many mouths there are to feed.

It was the worst labor yet ... my epidural stopped working at 6 centimeters,  and I really did fear I was going to die.
Before the pain became unbearable, I called my sister and she talked me off the ledge.
I was writhing in pain,  griping the  hospital bed bars telling Matt I wanted a stiff drink.
Somehow, I gave birth again and  I lived.

The hospital visit was a whirl wind.
I was exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, happy, sore, sad, ripped up and bloody.
Since it was my 3rd baby, I think I was the last patient on the maternity floor to get anything I asked for.
 I guess that was a foreshadowing of  my third child's life.

The sweetest moment was when I got home,  Emma had made a series of incorrectly spelled cards with hearts saying how" happi she was to git a little brother."

The postpartum set in pretty quickly.
I woke up at 3 am in a panic, sobbing, I have 3 kids, I have 3 kids, What have I done?
I felt so afraid and trapped.
Not ONE rational thought came to rescue me.
I woke Matt, sobbing, " I have ruined our family." I choked on the words and he hugged me tightly.
"No you haven't," he said.
 He held me in the quiet.
I cried, I felt like a needy teenager, but I knew I was doomed if I didn't let my him see me.
My  heart ached.
Postpartum had come back to haunt me.
 I started to feel the veil of murky slippery mud wash over me and take my left brain.
He held me, and I sobbed, looking at the beautiful sleeping baby on our bed.
I felt so guilty for saying it out loud.
 I felt so afraid of the future.
I had no control.
 My life was turned upside down again in a matter of hours.
It hit me.
I really did it, I had another baby.

It was 4:11 am on a Saturday. I could hear the birds chirping and the leaves rustling outside my window.
I calmed down and sat on the side of the bed.
 A rational thought finally emerged: what the fuck was I doing awake when the baby was actually sleeping?????

I called the shrink the following day and got medication.
  I slowly started to feel better.
In the past, I waited too long and let postpartum steal hours, days and months from me.
 I did not want to do that again.
I still cried at anything most days.
My nipples burned and bled from nursing, and  my stomach felt like a large bag of  marshmallows; but I was relieved to be done with my pregnancy.

After a  couple weeks, the blues started to lift like a bleary fog, and I felt clearer.
I started to enjoy the quiet days with the baby after the big rats went to school.

It is different this time, I feel relaxed and happy.
 I love having a baby again.
River is the easy one. (for now)
 I NEVER thought babies could be easy. (until my 2 other babies turned into people.)
Postpartum is not stealing my moments like it did before.

The bigger ones are still demanding, smart, rude, relentless, funny,  and  emotionally unstable.
 Sometimes I want to strangle them.
I'll be honest, daily I want to strangle one, or both at the same time.

I am witnessing human evolution daily, with the perfect gaps in age.

River : (9 weeks)  smells amazing, he doesn't move, he doesn't talk,  he coos,smiles, cries, sleeps, nurses and stares at me with pure joy in his eyes.  (AKA : My boyfriend)

Jaxson ( 4 yrs old) Throws things (objects and temper tantrums), jumps off anything , draws all over his body with markers,  his feet smell like hot garbage, and he recently peed in his sister's face during bath time.

Emma (6 yrs old) Perfectly behaved at school and tends to brag about it, loses things often and blames me, threatens her brother 500 times a day that he is not invited to her birthday (depending on what he is doing or not doing against her will)., Wears thongs with socks, and emphatically insists nothing matches with white.

I love them all wildly, and  differently.

I know now all 3 of them change all the time.

I hope....... and mostly believe.......... they do not stay unruly assholes forever.

Baby Fever or Baby on the way?

It was early August of 2012 when I started to get the "itch".
That insane, irrational itch to have another baby.
Did I mention, this was  totally irrational and almost embarrassing; since I write a blog about how hard parenting is?????
I have written about everything from my son's poop smears to my horrible parenting skills.
How could I possibly ?????
Did I mention IRRATIONAL?

I thought It would go away, after talking to my best friend who laughed at me through the phone.
It would pass.
It was just baby fever.
A fleeting, emotional spurt I would grow out of.

It would not just go away.
August turned into September and September turned into October and I still thought about having another baby, daily.
October turned into November and I thought about having a baby daily, afternoon(ly), and nightly.
It was not going away.
In fact, the voice was getting louder and more intrusive.

I was facing my 40th birthday in December.
I started to  contemplate my LIFE and had  a  mid life crisis of sorts.
I knew I wanted to do something big, something meaningful.
I wasn't sure what that was.
The thought of going back to work seemed so mundane.

I  knew in my heart that this was it.
This was my last opportunity to have another child.
My mind would start to ramble- and say things like, " Seriously, you want to live that last 2 months as a whale with swollen ankles and heartburn? And then not sleep for 6 months?"

Things were  getting slightly easier:
I had some days that I felt like I had finally come out of the woods.
I had turned the corner of sleepless nights and leaky bodily fluids.
Leaving the poopy diapers and pissed soaked sheets behind.
Child proofing and wiping butts were a distant memory.
I could take a shower most days and talk on the phone occasionally, without being interrupted every 2 seconds.
It felt good.
It felt different.

But, I  felt like there was one more out there- one more person for our family.
Something was missing.
I tried to talk myself out of it.
I'm going to be 40, I shouldn't.
I already have a boy and a girl, I shouldn't "push my luck".

My husband who is extremely generous (also insane) told me he was open to whatever I wanted.
I am sure underneath, he was also screaming, "Is she out of her fucking mind????"

For years I never understood why anyone would want a third child.
I honestly judged them and thought:  now. that. is. nuts.
I came from 3, and 3 is a crowd.
The world is really built for families of four anyway.
I never thought I could handle it.

 Well, I thought you should know............................
 I am 20 weeks pregnant! (more to come on that mere fact/topic: pregnancy)

I followed my heart.

I have never known anything as amazing, frustrating, hilarious and heart wrenching as parenthood.
Perhaps that's why I decided to follow that voice that kept telling me to do it JUST ONE MORE TIME.

I am scared and excited.

 To all of those moms whom I've asked, "Was this one planned? "( with a look of horror underneath a smile), when I found out they were pregnant with their 3rd.
I am so very sorry I asked that.

I am now one of those moms.
Isn't  pay back  a bitch?