Baby Fever or Baby on the way?

It was early August of 2012 when I started to get the "itch".
That insane, irrational itch to have another baby.
Did I mention, this was  totally irrational and almost embarrassing; since I write a blog about how hard parenting is?????
I have written about everything from my son's poop smears to my horrible parenting skills.
How could I possibly ?????
Did I mention IRRATIONAL?

I thought It would go away, after talking to my best friend who laughed at me through the phone.
It would pass.
It was just baby fever.
A fleeting, emotional spurt I would grow out of.

It would not just go away.
August turned into September and September turned into October and I still thought about having another baby, daily.
October turned into November and I thought about having a baby daily, afternoon(ly), and nightly.
It was not going away.
In fact, the voice was getting louder and more intrusive.

I was facing my 40th birthday in December.
I started to  contemplate my LIFE and had  a  mid life crisis of sorts.
I knew I wanted to do something big, something meaningful.
I wasn't sure what that was.
The thought of going back to work seemed so mundane.

I  knew in my heart that this was it.
This was my last opportunity to have another child.
My mind would start to ramble- and say things like, " Seriously, you want to live that last 2 months as a whale with swollen ankles and heartburn? And then not sleep for 6 months?"

Things were  getting slightly easier:
I had some days that I felt like I had finally come out of the woods.
I had turned the corner of sleepless nights and leaky bodily fluids.
Leaving the poopy diapers and pissed soaked sheets behind.
Child proofing and wiping butts were a distant memory.
I could take a shower most days and talk on the phone occasionally, without being interrupted every 2 seconds.
It felt good.
It felt different.

But, I  felt like there was one more out there- one more person for our family.
Something was missing.
I tried to talk myself out of it.
I'm going to be 40, I shouldn't.
I already have a boy and a girl, I shouldn't "push my luck".

My husband who is extremely generous (also insane) told me he was open to whatever I wanted.
I am sure underneath, he was also screaming, "Is she out of her fucking mind????"

For years I never understood why anyone would want a third child.
I honestly judged them and thought:  now. that. is. nuts.
I came from 3, and 3 is a crowd.
The world is really built for families of four anyway.
I never thought I could handle it.

 Well, I thought you should know............................
 I am 20 weeks pregnant! (more to come on that mere fact/topic: pregnancy)

I followed my heart.

I have never known anything as amazing, frustrating, hilarious and heart wrenching as parenthood.
Perhaps that's why I decided to follow that voice that kept telling me to do it JUST ONE MORE TIME.

I am scared and excited.

 To all of those moms whom I've asked, "Was this one planned? "( with a look of horror underneath a smile), when I found out they were pregnant with their 3rd.
I am so very sorry I asked that.

I am now one of those moms.
Isn't  pay back  a bitch?