Picture Perfect: Pampers and Post Partum are Precious

Why do mothers with new borns on T.V. look so emotionally adjusted and skinny?
I have never seen a pudgy, emotionally drained, un-showered mom on a Pampers commercial.
I know that's what I looked like a week after I came home from the hospital.
Actually, pudgy isn't the word, I still looked pregnant.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror in the hospital room bathroom, sobbing, asking my husband if I was going to look like that forever.
No one ever told me that I was still going to look 3 months pregnant AFTER I had my baby.
I felt slightly betrayed by all my closed lipped friends who had children before me.
Now, I understand because I smile and nod at any new pregnant mom too.
Really, how can you articulate the BOMB that is about to be dropped on them, and their (great) husband.

I felt like I wasn't really told any of the nitty gritty.....
Especially,, with my second.
Especially after the honeymoon was over and the night nurses were still at the hospital.(and I was at home)
Especially, when I was hunched over trying to nurse in that cute rocking chair (I registered for at Babies R Us) at 2am with a paisley designer boppy and a screaming baby.
It all looked so fun when I wore that cute kelly green sundress to my baby shower and opened gifts while giggling.
I knew it was going to be a lot of work, but I didn't fully grasp the level of work.
I loved all the excitement,and the guiltless consumption of anything with ice cream, butter or ice cream.

Then the baby came out and my entire world was beautifully altered, while crumbling simultaneously.
Having a child is one of the most profound and permanent life changers on the planet.
So why in the HELL are we expected to look cute, thin, and smile?

Really, it's a joke.

I just pushed a small person out of my vagina........you only need 6 weeks, get back to work!


Seriously, why don't we talk about real life, better yet SHOW real life on T.V.
Maybe then we could be honest about how much it takes to raise children.
How much it really takes.



This is a time line from pregnancy to new motherhood to Toddlerhood.

It is NOT what they show on the pamper's commercials.
Parenthood is messy.



FIRST PREGNANCY:

I can't wait to have this baby
I LOVE being pregnant.
Maternity clothes are cute.
I love picking all of this baby stuff out!!!!
I am going to nurse my baby, I can't wait! (so natural and easy)
I'm pregnant, and I want everyone to know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LABOR:
I think I am going to die.
I'm now sure I will die
This is the worst pain ever, what was I thinking?
I can't PUSH anymore.
I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.(telling husband while crying)
GET AWAY FROM ME. (yelling at husband while crying)
2-3 hours of pushing (possible b.m. on delivery table)


HOLDING BABY AFTER DELIVERY
I want to do this again.
This is the best moment of my life.



LEAVING HOSPITAL WITH MY NEWBORN:

You mean I have to take this baby home and keep it alive?(maybe just one nurse can come?)
No Nurses, no pain killers? (anxiety rising)
Gaping vagina (bleeding) wearing a pad the size of a king size bed mattress.
A.K.A Maxi pad Andre the giant would wear if he had a period.
Am I going to look pregnant/fat forever? (looking in the mirror while crying, asking husband.)

HOME WITH BABY (3 weeks in):

NOOOOOOO YOU CAN'T GO TO WORK (sobbing, holding onto husband's leg)
(post-partum depression kicking in) telling self: I'm Fine, I'm fine....
Are you ever going to stop crying?
I've had to pee for 3 hours.....
Peeing with baby on lap.
Nurse
Nurse again
Pee again with baby on lap, while nursing (can't poop- it hurts too much)
Call husband with list to pick up at the store- including more Andre the Giant sized pads
Nurse again
Stare at a wall while baby sleeps trying to form a thought.
Nurse again.
Nurse again and again



HOME WITH ONE YEAR OLD:

Please walk , I can't wait
OH NO..... you're walking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lock every cabinet
never sit down unless it's nap time.
take that out of your mouth, don't eat that, we don't eat mulch.
Don't stick that entire banana in your mouth.


HOME WITH TWO YEAR OLD:

I think I want to go back to work
pre-school takes 2 year olds?
You're in Time Out.
Play date planned for "socialization skills to develop" really for mine to develop.
My brain is mashed potatoes, cannot remember anything unless I write it down.
You're in Time out
You're in Time out
You're in Time out

HOME WITH THREE YEAR OLD:

You are now a 2 year old X 3. (awesome)
I thought I loved you.
What happened to you?
Will you be in diapers forever?
Say please.
Say no thank you.
Don't throw that.
You're in Time out
Play date?
You're going to your room and Im locking the door.

(stages 4- 5 will be tended to after I re-cover fully from my PTSD)

2nd PREGNANCY:

This isn't half as fun as the first.
I am instantly fat and no one even knows Im pregnant yet.
I want to have 2 kids, but I dont actually want to have this baby.

Gave birth to Baby -


NOW I REALLY HAVE 2 KIDS:

HEEEEELLLLLP!
(week 3) Call husband daily crying asking him to come home
The baby is easier than the toddler.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Look at clock at 5:25pm daily and tell self - "he'll be home in 5 minutes, he'll be home in 5 minutes."

Is something burning?
NO- it's my hair, my hair is on fire.