Life's a beach and then you .......?

I don't know why I always feel the need to write a blog when I am going fucking crazy.
Maybe it's cathartic to tell the truth.
In hopes that someone will read it and hear me inside their crazy life.

I felt like a terrible mom on Thursday.
I screamed and yelled at my kids and threw my Nike running shoes across the room.
Then I sat in my car in the driveway and listened to NPR for 5 minutes just to get away from them.
Oh, and on Friday, I sat on the toilet in the bathroom stall at the YMCA and cried (the silent, shaking, martyr cry), hoping no one would see me.
I just felt so pent up and tired of life, kids, money and my insane thoughts.
Thoughts like: would a mental institution give me some time away, some peace, a quiet bed and tranquilizers?
And really and truly, I had no idea parenting was going to be this demanding....really I had no clue.
Why then, when I see a sweet little baby in a mother's warm arms, do I want another one????? (re:mental institution fantasy)

OR, for that matter- am I just a terrible parent?
I said shit and fuck in front of my 4 and a half year old today.
Who gives a fuck!

It's been a long month.
I ran a half marathon (almost died).
I've been protesting the Atlanta public school system to keep our neighborhood school open.
My neighbors and I realized that there is still segregation in Atlanta, in the year 2012.
Shocking.
I find few things in life shocking, but that one is sad.
Is Moral courage something you learn?

Then, we went to Pensacola for a family vacation.
I had very low expectations because I haven't quite experienced that "vacation" feeling before, amongst toddlers, I mean, my kids.
It's usually more stressful to be away from home, but somehow, we got a reprieve - well, some of the time.
I was surprised, I did relax (some of the time), and we had a great vacation.

Yes, the kids fought and made messes, and broke something in the condo.(woops, forgot to tell them.)
Jaxson threw Matt's credit cards down the deck slats, after desperately searching for them, he found them the next day in the parking lot.
Jaxson also lost my keys and we finally found them under the comforter after a frantic 45 minute search.
Emma peed in the pool while announcing it to all the people lying by it.
One woman looked so disgusted, I thought she was going to tell the managers to remove her sassy ass.
So, trust me, it was not without perils.

The car ride to and from was also pretty grueling.
Mostly the serene sounds of fighting, screaming and pleas for a new snack every five minutes.
Emma asked me over and over again if she could throw her brother in the garbage.
My response was, "CAN I?"

I really enjoyed being with Matt, we had fun.
We laughed and lost our minds breaking up sibling rivalry and washing sand out of hair and butts.
I realized how much I missed him, being away from it all.
The stresses of everyday life seemed to fade.

I told Matt he was in isolation.
Essentially because he couldn't go to work... he had no escape.
Sounds petty, but he was getting a taste of my everyday life (minus the paradise beach setting), and I secretly enjoyed that.

Even at a beautiful white sand beach with clear blue water and soothing breeze, there was still a shitty diaper to change and bickering toddlers to bribe.

There was a dock just outside of our condo.
It stretched for hundreds of feet out to the ocean.
The kids ran back and forth and back and forth screaming and jumping.
They marveled at all the fish and little crabs, seeing things for the first time.
Yes, I had visions of them falling in the ocean and how I would promptly save them.

They threw sand at each other and ran through the waves.
I watched the gleam in their eyes, and the wonder in their smiles.
We were in the moment.

Emma loved the pool, all she wanted to do was swim in the pool because the sand was "too dirty."
Jaxson used the pool rails as monkey bars and threw my visor and sun glasses in the pool about 100 times.
He tried to climb into the garbage can and ate random pieces of food off the the ground.
Emma found candy in an oil puddle at the gas station and ate it. It was still in the wrapper so I didn't intervene.
Boundaries, I'm learning boundaries.

I thought about my mom when I would lie on the beach or look at the vastness of the ocean.
I thought about her ashes floating somewhere in the pacific.
I missed her, I have fond memories of our beach days growing up.
I could smell the copertone on her legs and taste of the cheese whiz and crackers.

I wished she could be there to meet my kids.
I can't believe my mom hasn't met my kids

Maybe she does see my kids.
Maybe she has met my kids in her own way.

I shed a tear or two as I watched Matt and Jax and Emma run along the shore.
I shed a tear or two just because....
There was no real reason.

Just a full heart, even in the midst of all the days I wanna pull my hair out.

I'm sad, and I'm happy... kinda like parenting, I love them and I wanna pull their hair out.