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Yes!!! We do have big plans for Summer. Big fucking plans

Occasionally, I enviously spy on my married, yet  childless neighbors across the street .

They look so rested and happy.

 The husband  skips and hums while he brings his garbage cans to the curb.

The wife looks unencumbered and her hair is kempt.

Their porch is pristine.

I think it shines.

Their front door knob is free of Popsicle slime and there are no smeared boogers on their doors/windows.

Their fresh shiny cars glide to and from the clean, toy- free driveway.

No Dora or Bob the Builder stickers on the windows, no emergency diapers in the trunk, and definitely no moldy cheese sticks under their seats.

They plant flowers together and rake leaves in between sips of  hot coffee.

 He mows the lawn in a brimmed hat, enjoying each lap.

She pulls weeds while listening to her  finger print free i-pod.

They leisurely come and go as they please.

No one is crying , no blood curdling screams, or jumping from couch to chair to coffee table.

No trips to the E.R.

No small boys peeing off their porch, aiming for an ant pile.

No boy and girl jumping on the hood of their car having the time of their lives.

 I watch them them from my side-walk chalk stained porch, as I sweep bread crusts and smashed gold fish into the bushes.

 Another compost of snacks for the feral cats.

Our porch is crowded with bikes, training wheels, muddy little shoes, and old sponge bob rain boots.

"Good morning," I shout in a friendly voice, sweeping my porch with milk stains on my boobs.

 They smile and wave at me as if they are saying- "have a good day you  fucking sucker!"

I rarely think about what I used to do before I had kids.

  That life is one huge, lost chunk of time.

 A chunk of time that seems foreign now......forgotten.

 I have felt love, hate, shame, exhaustion, failure, and joy all in one day.

Summer is approaching.

The time when people smile and ask,

" So! Do you have plans for the summer?"

"Yes! We do have plans for summer!" I say. "Big fucking plans."

 I'll make lots of plans for the day.... it's just a matter of getting through the 500 million things that will ruin those plans and possibly postpone them for hours, maybe even days.

My 5 year old will piss his pants and I'll step on my 400th Lego and yell at him.

Then, I'll feel bad for yelling.

Then he'll cry and tell me he doesn't like me.

Then I'll tell him I don't like him either.

Then we'll have to leave the house because of the incessant sibling bickering and hitting.

 I'll have to change the baby and feed him before we leave, and the other two will fight over who gets to hold him.

Jaxson will pour out another box of  the smallest, most teeniest, teeny tiny, miniature Legos ever,  because he doesn't like me.

Then Emma will decide she's thirsty. She MUST drink water out of her fancy pink, plastic target martini glass, which will spill all over the floor. She will cry and say "why do I always spill EVERYTHING????"

We'll get in the car and Jaxson will refuse any help with his seat belt and cry for 40 minutes while he tries to snap it in the latch.

 Then on our way to the pool, I will threaten them 3 times with no T.V. and keep telling them to stop bashing the car ceiling with pool noodles.

They will talk about vaginas a penises tasting like chicken and the baby will coo and babble in the background .

My phone will ring and I'll want to talk to my sister but all the crazy noise from the back seat will cause me to tell her I have to call her back.

 The animals are out of their cages I will say.

 Then, my son will throw a banana peel out the window (to fit  my description), and my daughter will tattle on him.

I'll give him the: " We do not litter speech," and he will completely tune me out.

Then, Emma will drop her Lalaloopsy doll on the floor and cry because it's lost forever and it was her favorite.

The baby will fall asleep and Jaxson will start playing with army men on his head.

 Ill scream, "knock it off! Leave the baby alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as we pull into the pool and someone I barely know will see me acting like a maniac.

 So yes! does that answer your stupid question?- we have BIG plans for summer.

And I personally have big plans to make our porch look pristine.

Big fucking plans.

*BTW, the pool is 1 mile away.

IT IS OKAY

Its okay if I don't do it perfectly.

Its okay if I lose my temper, as long as I say I'm sorry and tell them that I'm having a bad day.

It only makes it worse when I beat myself up, on top of losing my temper.

It's okay that I have a muffin top and I can't fit into my cute 7 jeans that I spent way too much money on, (when I did things like went shopping).

It's okay that I feel sad sometimes because I  miss my old life.

It is my old life........ One thing is certain, life will never stay the same.

It's okay that most days, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

It's okay to wing it, buy the cake instead of bake it, make the boxed mac and cheese or give my son a non- organic banana.

 It's okay to parent with the personality I have.

I want my kids to know it's supremely better to be themselves - striving for perfection is painful.

It's okay that I envy other moms who seem so much better at this than me.

It's okay because being a mom is messy and it's really fucking hard.

It's okay that almost anything makes me cry now.

It's okay that I secretly binge out on chocolate after they go to bed.(and occasionally get busted by a small monster who wants a piece) Really- do you think I say no?

It's okay that I can't remember what I did yesterday, or last week, or who I talked to this morning.

It's okay that I have days when I just want to get in my car and drive away.

It's okay that I don't always LIKE my kids.

It's okay if I don't do it perfectly.

I can love my friends who don't do it perfectly either, and they can love their friends who don't.

This way, the "world" around us that promotes being perfect can go fuck themselves .

We are bigger than them.

Mom to mom to mom... it's the imperfect ripple effect.

When I am in the trenches of temper tantrums, shitty diapers, peed on beds,colored on walls, and half eaten meals, I need to remember : This too shall pass.

I can scream in my freezer instead of at my kids (good idea, although, I have only done that once.)

When it's mundane and exhausting and I feel alone......................

I can think of you and you can think of me and know that it is okay.

It is okay to be a mess.

It is okay to not be perfect.

From Birth to Postpartum to Evolutionary Chaos

He was born September 12, 2013 at 10:58 pm.

River Declan Davis-9 lbs 9 oz. (no, I did not have a c- section)
 Or, as Jaxson calls him, "Riber"

 We are officially a family of 5.

Airplane rides, restaurant trips and holidays including presents have profoundly changed.
Not to mention, my husband's acute awareness of how many mouths there are to feed.

It was the worst labor yet ... my epidural stopped working at 6 centimeters,  and I really did fear I was going to die.
Before the pain became unbearable, I called my sister and she talked me off the ledge.
I was writhing in pain,  griping the  hospital bed bars telling Matt I wanted a stiff drink.
Somehow, I gave birth again and  I lived.

The hospital visit was a whirl wind.
I was exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, happy, sore, sad, ripped up and bloody.
Since it was my 3rd baby, I think I was the last patient on the maternity floor to get anything I asked for.
 I guess that was a foreshadowing of  my third child's life.

The sweetest moment was when I got home,  Emma had made a series of incorrectly spelled cards with hearts saying how" happi she was to git a little brother."

The postpartum set in pretty quickly.
I woke up at 3 am in a panic, sobbing, I have 3 kids, I have 3 kids, What have I done?
I felt so afraid and trapped.
Not ONE rational thought came to rescue me.
I woke Matt, sobbing, " I have ruined our family." I choked on the words and he hugged me tightly.
"No you haven't," he said.
 He held me in the quiet.
I cried, I felt like a needy teenager, but I knew I was doomed if I didn't let my him see me.
My  heart ached.
Postpartum had come back to haunt me.
 I started to feel the veil of murky slippery mud wash over me and take my left brain.
He held me, and I sobbed, looking at the beautiful sleeping baby on our bed.
I felt so guilty for saying it out loud.
 I felt so afraid of the future.
I had no control.
 My life was turned upside down again in a matter of hours.
It hit me.
I really did it, I had another baby.

It was 4:11 am on a Saturday. I could hear the birds chirping and the leaves rustling outside my window.
I calmed down and sat on the side of the bed.
 A rational thought finally emerged: what the fuck was I doing awake when the baby was actually sleeping?????

I called the shrink the following day and got medication.
  I slowly started to feel better.
In the past, I waited too long and let postpartum steal hours, days and months from me.
 I did not want to do that again.
I still cried at anything most days.
My nipples burned and bled from nursing, and  my stomach felt like a large bag of  marshmallows; but I was relieved to be done with my pregnancy.

After a  couple weeks, the blues started to lift like a bleary fog, and I felt clearer.
I started to enjoy the quiet days with the baby after the big rats went to school.

It is different this time, I feel relaxed and happy.
 I love having a baby again.
River is the easy one. (for now)
 I NEVER thought babies could be easy. (until my 2 other babies turned into people.)
Postpartum is not stealing my moments like it did before.

The bigger ones are still demanding, smart, rude, relentless, funny,  and  emotionally unstable.
 Sometimes I want to strangle them.
I'll be honest, daily I want to strangle one, or both at the same time.

I am witnessing human evolution daily, with the perfect gaps in age.

River : (9 weeks)  smells amazing, he doesn't move, he doesn't talk,  he coos,smiles, cries, sleeps, nurses and stares at me with pure joy in his eyes.  (AKA : My boyfriend)

Jaxson ( 4 yrs old) Throws things (objects and temper tantrums), jumps off anything , draws all over his body with markers,  his feet smell like hot garbage, and he recently peed in his sister's face during bath time.

Emma (6 yrs old) Perfectly behaved at school and tends to brag about it, loses things often and blames me, threatens her brother 500 times a day that he is not invited to her birthday (depending on what he is doing or not doing against her will)., Wears thongs with socks, and emphatically insists nothing matches with white.

I love them all wildly, and  differently.

I know now all 3 of them change all the time.

I hope....... and mostly believe.......... they do not stay unruly assholes forever.

Baby Fever or Baby on the way?

It was early August of 2012 when I started to get the "itch".
That insane, irrational itch to have another baby.
Did I mention, this was  totally irrational and almost embarrassing; since I write a blog about how hard parenting is?????
I have written about everything from my son's poop smears to my horrible parenting skills.
How could I possibly ?????
Did I mention IRRATIONAL?

I thought It would go away, after talking to my best friend who laughed at me through the phone.
It would pass.
It was just baby fever.
A fleeting, emotional spurt I would grow out of.

It would not just go away.
August turned into September and September turned into October and I still thought about having another baby, daily.
October turned into November and I thought about having a baby daily, afternoon(ly), and nightly.
It was not going away.
In fact, the voice was getting louder and more intrusive.

I was facing my 40th birthday in December.
I started to  contemplate my LIFE and had  a  mid life crisis of sorts.
I knew I wanted to do something big, something meaningful.
I wasn't sure what that was.
The thought of going back to work seemed so mundane.

I  knew in my heart that this was it.
This was my last opportunity to have another child.
My mind would start to ramble- and say things like, " Seriously, you want to live that last 2 months as a whale with swollen ankles and heartburn? And then not sleep for 6 months?"

Things were  getting slightly easier:
I had some days that I felt like I had finally come out of the woods.
I had turned the corner of sleepless nights and leaky bodily fluids.
Leaving the poopy diapers and pissed soaked sheets behind.
Child proofing and wiping butts were a distant memory.
I could take a shower most days and talk on the phone occasionally, without being interrupted every 2 seconds.
It felt good.
It felt different.

But, I  felt like there was one more out there- one more person for our family.
Something was missing.
I tried to talk myself out of it.
I'm going to be 40, I shouldn't.
I already have a boy and a girl, I shouldn't "push my luck".

My husband who is extremely generous (also insane) told me he was open to whatever I wanted.
I am sure underneath, he was also screaming, "Is she out of her fucking mind????"

For years I never understood why anyone would want a third child.
I honestly judged them and thought:  now. that. is. nuts.
I came from 3, and 3 is a crowd.
The world is really built for families of four anyway.
I never thought I could handle it.

 Well, I thought you should know............................
 I am 20 weeks pregnant! (more to come on that mere fact/topic: pregnancy)

I followed my heart.

I have never known anything as amazing, frustrating, hilarious and heart wrenching as parenthood.
Perhaps that's why I decided to follow that voice that kept telling me to do it JUST ONE MORE TIME.

I am scared and excited.

 To all of those moms whom I've asked, "Was this one planned? "( with a look of horror underneath a smile), when I found out they were pregnant with their 3rd.
I am so very sorry I asked that.

I am now one of those moms.
Isn't  pay back  a bitch?

The Days are Long, The Years are Short- LOVE

It really is true.
What all those annoying people have said about your kids growing in the blink of an eye.

I haven't written in a long, long, time.
I guess I have no excuses since I am always busy, and I am always a perfectionist about what I post.
So this time I'm convinced I have writer's block.
Pretty tired of listening to the bullshit in my own head, so I decided to write what comes.

Oh, and I'm sure it will suck.
It's been a long time.

Life is life, but life with kids is Life times a hundred.

(I really would love for someone to make comment, or give me a topic or ask a question, and I will write about it.)
I want to post once a week again.)

Currently, things are not as crazy at the Davis house.
Emma is becoming more civilized, which I really never thought would happen.
Seriously, when others told me parenting is rewarding, I would say, "it's not fucking rewarding for me".
Not Rewarding YET, they would tell me....  Not Yet.

Well, I have been rewarded lately.
Emma started kindergarten.
She is bringing me joy, rather than daily heart ache and I wanna kill you kid ; which is new for me.
She is maturing and ceasing to fight all things, namely ME.
I have been so accustomed to telling her No, and watching her scream for 20 minutes.....every 20 minutes.
She really is changing.
Don't get me wrong, she still screams.
But she is  eager to do her homework, and learn her words and write her sentences.
She looks me in the eyes and she sees me, and I see her.
She takes a moment.
She laughs at herself.
She asks me how to spell everything so she can write new words in her little notebook.
She loves her classmates.
She hugs her teachers when she arrives and when she leaves.

I watch her when she's not looking.
She is kind to that kid that no one plays with;  she shares her food, and holds her friend's hands as they run in the play ground.
She is growing up and I like her.
I actually really like her.


Jaxson is talking non- stop.
He's in pre-school this year three times a week for 4 hours.
The teacher said, " he doesn't like to follow directions."
(hmm, interesting, neither do I)
He has stopped smearing his poop, but he still wears a diaper, so I'm not sure who wins there.
At least I am not cleaning up shit off of walls and crib bars anymore.
He runs around pretending like he is spider man and sometimes a monster, any monster will do.
Everything he holds becomes a gun.
I swear, he just did that naturally.
He still has temper tantrums but if I pretend to cry, he will at least laugh a minute.
He's 3, so, he is still half adorable apple of my eye, and half monkey/ mental patient.
He is getting so much easier.
I'm not sure if that is a tease, or  if it's happening in real life.

I have been enjoying parenting so much more lately.
I make myself STOP and STOP what I'm doing, because it's usually not that important.
When I stop, I can calm down.
Instead of going to that place called : You are driving me craaaaazzzzy! I wish you would just get through this stage.
I am accepting the stage they are at.
Even though I stay home with them, I am not always "there".
Sometimes I am some"where" else.


When they were babies, I wanted them to crawl, I wanted them to walk, I wanted them to talk.
When they were home full time, I wanted them to start school, I wanted them to play together.
I wanted them to stop fighting with each other .

A lot of the time I wanted them to do things that they were not capable of doing.
It was my selfish human need to MAKE things go my way.

That is never going to work with my kids, they go and do in their own time, in their own rhythm.
Don't we all?

Now, I wish I could stop time and spend a few years with them now, the way  they are now.

I want them to know if they do ever read this, that I love them more than I thought I could love.

Picture Perfect: Pampers and Post Partum are Precious

Why do mothers with new borns on T.V. look so emotionally adjusted and skinny?
I have never seen a pudgy, emotionally drained, un-showered mom on a Pampers commercial.
I know that's what I looked like a week after I came home from the hospital.
Actually, pudgy isn't the word, I still looked pregnant.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror in the hospital room bathroom, sobbing, asking my husband if I was going to look like that forever.
No one ever told me that I was still going to look 3 months pregnant AFTER I had my baby.
I felt slightly betrayed by all my closed lipped friends who had children before me.
Now, I understand because I smile and nod at any new pregnant mom too.
Really, how can you articulate the BOMB that is about to be dropped on them, and their (great) husband.

I felt like I wasn't really told any of the nitty gritty.....
Especially,, with my second.
Especially after the honeymoon was over and the night nurses were still at the hospital.(and I was at home)
Especially, when I was hunched over trying to nurse in that cute rocking chair (I registered for at Babies R Us) at 2am with a paisley designer boppy and a screaming baby.
It all looked so fun when I wore that cute kelly green sundress to my baby shower and opened gifts while giggling.
I knew it was going to be a lot of work, but I didn't fully grasp the level of work.
I loved all the excitement,and the guiltless consumption of anything with ice cream, butter or ice cream.

Then the baby came out and my entire world was beautifully altered, while crumbling simultaneously.
Having a child is one of the most profound and permanent life changers on the planet.
So why in the HELL are we expected to look cute, thin, and smile?

Really, it's a joke.

I just pushed a small person out of my vagina........you only need 6 weeks, get back to work!


Seriously, why don't we talk about real life, better yet SHOW real life on T.V.
Maybe then we could be honest about how much it takes to raise children.
How much it really takes.



This is a time line from pregnancy to new motherhood to Toddlerhood.

It is NOT what they show on the pamper's commercials.
Parenthood is messy.



FIRST PREGNANCY:

I can't wait to have this baby
I LOVE being pregnant.
Maternity clothes are cute.
I love picking all of this baby stuff out!!!!
I am going to nurse my baby, I can't wait! (so natural and easy)
I'm pregnant, and I want everyone to know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LABOR:
I think I am going to die.
I'm now sure I will die
This is the worst pain ever, what was I thinking?
I can't PUSH anymore.
I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.(telling husband while crying)
GET AWAY FROM ME. (yelling at husband while crying)
2-3 hours of pushing (possible b.m. on delivery table)


HOLDING BABY AFTER DELIVERY
I want to do this again.
This is the best moment of my life.



LEAVING HOSPITAL WITH MY NEWBORN:

You mean I have to take this baby home and keep it alive?(maybe just one nurse can come?)
No Nurses, no pain killers? (anxiety rising)
Gaping vagina (bleeding) wearing a pad the size of a king size bed mattress.
A.K.A Maxi pad Andre the giant would wear if he had a period.
Am I going to look pregnant/fat forever? (looking in the mirror while crying, asking husband.)

HOME WITH BABY (3 weeks in):

NOOOOOOO YOU CAN'T GO TO WORK (sobbing, holding onto husband's leg)
(post-partum depression kicking in) telling self: I'm Fine, I'm fine....
Are you ever going to stop crying?
I've had to pee for 3 hours.....
Peeing with baby on lap.
Nurse
Nurse again
Pee again with baby on lap, while nursing (can't poop- it hurts too much)
Call husband with list to pick up at the store- including more Andre the Giant sized pads
Nurse again
Stare at a wall while baby sleeps trying to form a thought.
Nurse again.
Nurse again and again



HOME WITH ONE YEAR OLD:

Please walk , I can't wait
OH NO..... you're walking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lock every cabinet
never sit down unless it's nap time.
take that out of your mouth, don't eat that, we don't eat mulch.
Don't stick that entire banana in your mouth.


HOME WITH TWO YEAR OLD:

I think I want to go back to work
pre-school takes 2 year olds?
You're in Time Out.
Play date planned for "socialization skills to develop" really for mine to develop.
My brain is mashed potatoes, cannot remember anything unless I write it down.
You're in Time out
You're in Time out
You're in Time out

HOME WITH THREE YEAR OLD:

You are now a 2 year old X 3. (awesome)
I thought I loved you.
What happened to you?
Will you be in diapers forever?
Say please.
Say no thank you.
Don't throw that.
You're in Time out
Play date?
You're going to your room and Im locking the door.

(stages 4- 5 will be tended to after I re-cover fully from my PTSD)

2nd PREGNANCY:

This isn't half as fun as the first.
I am instantly fat and no one even knows Im pregnant yet.
I want to have 2 kids, but I dont actually want to have this baby.

Gave birth to Baby -


NOW I REALLY HAVE 2 KIDS:

HEEEEELLLLLP!
(week 3) Call husband daily crying asking him to come home
The baby is easier than the toddler.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Look at clock at 5:25pm daily and tell self - "he'll be home in 5 minutes, he'll be home in 5 minutes."

Is something burning?
NO- it's my hair, my hair is on fire.